Courtesy of Dean Foster

Dean Foster

by sally acharya

Q: What are some of the key cultural differences that have to be taken into account for effective business negotiations?
A: What works in one culture may not work in another . . . In some cultures, bargaining is the expected style of negotiation. In others, bargaining is precisely what you don’t want to do, because it becomes a sign of distrust. You really need to know what style you’re going to employ . . .

Typically in Middle Eastern and Arab cultures, bargaining is expected, because it’s actually a way of building a personal relationship . . . You wouldn’t pay the first price; the shopkeeper would offer you tea; you’d sit down, get to know each other. There’d be much discussion about price. Eventually the price you settle on is an expression of the ‘price I offer to good friends.’

In cultures like Scandinavia, to start out at one price and settle for another indicates you’re not a trustworthy person, because if that’s the price you’re willing to settle for, why did you ask me to pay something higher? So we have an issue right there if Swedes and Saudis try to negotiate . . . This [intercultural misunderstanding] bleeds over into national headlines all the time . . .

Certain cultures we refer to as hierarchy cultures. In these cultures, the grey-haired old man is the one that makes the decision, and people who are younger and less experienced usually do not make suggestions and do not make decisions overtly at the table, although they may have the expertise to inform the decision maker on the side.

These are very different from what we refer to as egalitarian cultures . . . Some of the East Asian cultures are hierarchy oriented, such as Japan and Korea; a more egalitarian [one] would be the Dutch . . . For all these different [cultures], it’s on a scale. There’s no absolutes. So the degree to which one is [hierarchical or egalitarian], and how the culture expresses its [identification], differs quite a lot.

Q: Where does the U.S. fall on this scale?
A: We are not extreme. We’re on the egalitarian side, but on a scale of one to 10, with one being the most egalitarian, we’re a three or four . . .

Q:Are there risks when Americans are negotiating in cultures that appear on the surface to be very similar to us—for instance, in Europe?
A: It’s a phenomenon of what we call cultures of similarity. Whatever apparent similarities there are, we tend to latch onto them, and they mask the hidden differences. And then, of course, they come back and bite us . . . In Scandinavia, there’s such a strong egalitarian tradition that Swedish and Scandinavian managers in business will not make decisions unless they’ve got the input of everyone on the team, and previous agreement of everyone . . . Americans expect managers to be a bit more ‘take charge’ and don’t have the patience for letting the Scandinavian manager make decisions his way. He’s often seen as procrastinating or weak, while the Swedish manager is viewing the American as fairly immature, only developing consensus after the decision is made anyway . . .

Q: What are some of the best and worst practices in intercultural negotiations?
A: Best practices are when you consider and are aware of and work constructively with the cultural differences that are going to be at the negotiating table. Worst practice is when people walk in there assuming that even though there are cultural differences at the table, it’s not going to matter. That will immediately blow up, and some of them become major issues.

Q: What changes have you seen in the field over the years?
A: It used to be we’d have to talk about the reasons for understanding culture, and the benefits of doing so . . . Now we don’t have to do this so much. With more mature companies, they’ve been out there, stubbed their toes; they know they need to do this.

With new companies, every new company is immediately a global company. You may be in your basement in Silicon Valley but you’re global. There is a lack of experience, yet the need is very great.

Q: What does it take to put knowledge into practice and be truly effective at the bargaining table?
A: You really have to do your homework. You have to know. There’s no easy way around it. You either go with mentors, or you read, or you learn, or you trip up . . . and learn through the school of hard knocks. There’s a lot on the line.

farwellphotography.com

Deborah Tannen

by adrienne frank

Q: You often hear a woman say, “I’m becoming my mother,” but you rarely hear a man bemoan the fact that he’s turning into his father. What makes the mother-daughter dynamic so complex?
A: Mothers and daughters seem to be looking at each other as reflections of themselves. Sometimes it’s a treasure hunt where you discover wonderful similarities, and sometimes you see something that you don’t like in yourself.

Q: Why is that, when a women needs help or advice, she often goes straight to mom. But, when mom offers unsolicited advice, the daughter gets defensive?
A: I should say that not all daughters go to their mothers for help. However, generally, women turn to their mother for advice because they want her stamp of approval very badly. On the other hand, every suggestion of advice comes across as a lack of confidence in her.

I think we do this with our friends, as well. We ask for advice, but what we really want is reassurance that we’re doing the right thing. With a friend, you can just brush it off, but with mothers, some women just fly off the handle.

Q: Do women ever stop craving their mother’s stamp of approval?
A: Never. She always seems like the ultimate judge.

Q: In the book, you discuss the “big three” that mothers and daughter critique. What are they?
A: As women, we’re judged by our appearance, and mothers are also judged by their daughter’s appearance.

So many of the women I interviewed for the book would come up with something that their mother had said and, overwhelmingly, it had to do with hair, weight, and clothes. One woman said her mother would say, “Your hair looks so gorgeous when it’s pulled back,” but when she said it, the daughter’s hair wouldn’t be pulled back.

Because mothers feel it’s their right or even obligation, they make suggestions about these things.

Q: Is it sometimes about more than just a hair style, though? In the book, you note that attention to hair reveals—and creates—intimacy.
A: My sister and I were kind of laughing because my mother always said that my hair was too long and her hair was too short and then my sister said, “It’s not like her hair was always so great.” When my mother got sick, though, I would fix her hair, and she would like it and I would like it because it’s a very physical, intimate act.

Like so many things, it’s a balancing of closeness. When their mothers play with their daughters’ hair, many adult daughters feel it’s somehow encroaching, but it can also be very touching.

Q: What are the keys to improving communication between mothers and daughters?
A: Mothers and daughters need to help each understand the other’s point of view and understand that caring and criticizing can be expressed in the same words. Where one sees caring and the other sees criticizing, both are right.

Also, mothers are often sensitive to being left out as their daughters get older. Sometimes a mother is just trying to be involved in her daughter’s life. So she might want to find ways to involve her.

Be aware that, often, you can change how the other person talks by changing the way you talk. The way the other person is talking is, no doubt, a reaction to you.