| Love means saying you’re sorry BY ADRIENNE FRANK
Photo by Jeff Watts
Barry McCarthy
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Barry McCarthy believes in romance—grand gestures and sweet nothings. However, the College of Arts and Sciences’ psychology professor argues that red roses and diamonds, alone, aren’t enough to sustain a marriage. “There’s this line from the movie Love Story: ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry,’” said McCarthy, who’s been at AU since 1969, and who teaches human sexual behavior and psychological well-being. “That, like most Hollywood depictions of romance, is absolutely incorrect.” The problem, said McCarthy, who also maintains a private practice at the Washington Psychological Center in Friendship Heights, is that couples often have an unrealistic view of marriage. “They think, ‘as long as we love each other, we’ll be OK. We’re going to be the exception.’ But that’s not the case.” According to McCarthy, 40 percent of marriages end in divorce within the first four years, and the majority of those fall apart within the first two years. Differences over money, children, and sex are most often to blame. However, in the 2004 book, Getting It Right the First Time: Creating a Healthy Marriage, which McCarthy penned with his wife of 38 years, Emily, he contends those marital pitfalls can often be avoided. “Problems simply need to be addressed before they become severe and chronic,” said McCarthy, who added that communication is key. “Love is necessary, but it’s not enough to build a satisfying and stable marriage. Strong, resilient bonds are based on respect, trust, and intimacy. And those things take time.” Before they exchange their “I do’s,” McCarthy said couples need to develop a game plan for marriage. They need to decide how they’ll deal with differences and conflict, develop a money style, and discuss if and when to have children. And while it can be incredibly difficult, McCarthy also suggests couples discuss the possibility of extramarital affairs. Sexual problems, he said, including affairs, unplanned pregnancies, and sexual dysfunction, are the leading cause of divorce within the first four years of marriage. “The myth is that people have affairs out of boredom after 20 years of marriage. But the reality is, affairs happen mostly within the first two years,” explained McCarthy. One of the exercises in Getting It Right the First Time requires men and women to determine what kind of person and what circumstances would make them vulnerable to having an affair. “Then, they have to agree that, faced with that situation, they will talk about it instead of impulsively falling into an affair. The cover-up of an affair is always worse than the event, itself.” McCarthy also suggests that couples undergo therapy or take a marriage education course “to help them deal with the transitions that occur after the wedding.” He said it’s critical to understand that what brought them together in the first place probably won’t be what keeps them together in the long run. As he writes in his book: “‘Romantic love,’ idealization of the partner and relationship, is transformed into mature intimacy and a respectful bond. Idealization changes to realistic acceptance of the spouse for the person he is, with strengths and stellar characteristics, as well as weaknesses and vulnerabilities. There are no perfect people and no perfect marriages.” McCarthy said those couples who participate in premarital therapy or classes are 40 percent less likely to get divorced within the first five years than those who forego such activities. “In truth, something like that makes a great wedding gift,” said McCarthy, who added that he and wife Emily, a former speech therapist, paid for marriage education classes for their youngest son and his wife when they wed two years ago. McCarthy also noted that couples who participate in premarital counseling are less likely to require professional help later in the relationship. “The general statement is that people come to therapy about three years after they should have,” said McCarthy, “and at that point they’re a very demoralized couple. That’s why it’s key that couples be proactive about potential problems at the beginning of the marriage.” Getting It Right the First Time is special in that regard, as it’s the McCarthys’ first book that focuses on prevention and early intervention. (Their other books, which deal with erectile dysfunction, rekindling desire, and overcoming childhood abuse, address problems after they have become chronic.) The couple will publish their eighth book, Getting It Right This Time, which deals with second marriages, in September or October. “[Emily] makes the books more readable and more humanistic, and I deal with the research,” said McCarthy. “In that way, we’re a good team.” In addition to writing and teaching one undergraduate class a semester at AU, McCarthy also presents workshops that focus on sexual issues, marriage enhancement, and divorce prevention. He gives three to four presentations a month across the country. “The workshops really provide good information for people and offer realistic hope for change,” McCarthy explained. “It’s kind of what I think about teaching my two classes. I just try to give my students tools they can use in a real-life situation. “I always tell them, ‘You want to learn this now so you don’t end up in someone’s office like mine!’” |
